The Do’s and Don’ts of Disagreements

Are you and your partner fighting more than usual or fighting with an intensity that makes you feel alarmed?  No matter where the argument starts, do they escalate quickly or do you find yourselves returning to the same themes, the same hurts, and the same ending without a sense of closure?

In my practice, I work often with couples who love each other and want to make things work, but they keep falling back in the same predictable patterns. My job as a therapist is to help bring attention to these things when they happen in session and send them home feeling validated for how they feel, but most importantly, knowing what THEY can do differently the next time. So much of a relationship is about learning what your partner needs from you and working together to find a rhythm that works for you both. This is often most effective with the help of a therapist; however, there are things that you can do right now to change the way that you and your partner communicate and relate to one another. 

Today I’m offering up the four most common relationship traps that partners fall into and what you can do in those moments instead. 

#1

DO: Sincerity
DON’T: Cynicism

When you and your partner seem to have been struggling to resolve the same old argument with little change, taking on a cynical view of things can happen. Without saying a word, non-verbal cues such as eye-rolling or a huffy sigh communicate, “Nothing new here, I’ve heard it all before!” Don’t let Cynicism interfere with your ability to take your partner seriously. Instead, approach them with Sincerity which communicates that you’re equally as invested as they are in truly hearing what they have to say. 

If you’re not willing to look for the ways that things are getting better, how could you be expected to find them? 

#2

DO: Feelings
DON’T: Facts

You and your partner are different creatures. It’s your differences that are likely to make you two a formidable team! Don’t let Facts about a disagreement get in the way of that. Firstly attending to Feelings can go a long way when it seems you’re too far apart on an issue. Trying to convince your partner of your perspective and what really happened serves to have the opposite effect, as each of you has your own experience of it. Focus on Feelings between the two of you to help build a bridge.

When you don’t allow yourself to get caught up in the facts, you can more fully attune to how your partner feels and what they need from you. 

#3

DO: Reconnect
DON’T: Rehash

Past hurts can sometimes be hard to move on from. Left unresolved, couples can be prone to digging it up and weaponizing it, taking an argument from bad to worse. Rehash of the past does more harm than good; however, it’s possible to revisit it in a way that can Reconnect two people. For example, treat the past with respect by taking ownership of your experience instead of blaming your partner. 

Before you dig up an old wound in order to “win” the argument, consider your intent. Are you angry and looking to hurt your partner, or are you bringing it up in a way that is sensitive to the progress or apologies they have made? 

#4

DO: Solution-Focused
DON’T: Problem-Oriented

A common pitfall I oftentimes hear about in my counseling of couples is that they’ve become accustomed to complaining, seeming to be Problem-Oriented in doing so. They want to communicate about an issue with the goal of resolving it but end up missing the critical step of expressing what they need. What they need is to be Solution-Focused! Identify what it is that you need that would help make things better and ask for it.  

Rather than focusing on what went wrong, consider what you would have wanted to be different, and share that with your partner instead. 

Even when you have an otherwise healthy marriage, these four common culprits are known to take disagreements and amplify their importance as they slowly eat away at your happy moments together. While marriage requires a joint effort, refusing to wait for the other person to “make the first move” or “do their part” is the only way to get un-stuck. Work first on changing your approach towards your partner, and you’ll start to see the dynamic between you shift. 

For more guidance, schedule an appointment to meet with me individually, or bring your partner along for a meaningful couple’s therapy session.