Lost and Found: Rituals of Connection for the Modern Couple

I often encounter couples who enter into counseling unable to pinpoint what exactly is “wrong” in their relationship, yet sense that something is missing. Something that they’re sure used to be there between them but isn’t anymore. Where did this something go? How was it lost? And can it be found?

What’s Missing?

Identifying answers to such questions is difficult, although talk psychotherapy is one ingredient in a recipe for doing so. Professional guidance can assist a couple in determining, for example, when they experienced important life changes that may also have influenced other areas of their life. In this space, couples acknowledge that they’ve stopped doing some of the things they used to do as their relationship evolves over time. While this is natural—as often our activities have “seasons” so to speak—it can be a factor that creates distance between two people. Even more bewildering is that they seek out counseling because classic symptoms of marital strain, such as conflict, seem to be missing. 

The Ritual of Our Everyday Life

While we rarely give a name to our day-to-day activities, they are actually known as “Rituals of Connection”. William J. Doherty, Ph.D., has written extensively on this topic for both couples and families alike. The importance of rituals is that they represent our opportunities for connection with our partner. For example, going out to eat or taking a walk serve as informal Rituals, celebratory occasions such as birthdays or holidays are formal Rituals, and therapeutic dialogue exercises are structured Rituals. 

From busy schedules focused on career demands to zoning out with social media stories, our world today doesn’t lend itself to opportunities for making true Connections. Without purposeful thought and action to cultivate it, we’re vulnerable to distractions that breed distance instead of closeness.

Creating Intentional Moments of Connection in Your Marriage

One of the concluding questions I ask a couple during their first session with me is how they practice day-to-day means of staying in touch with one another. Typically, I’m met with blank stares followed by an all-too-common response: texting throughout the day. Next comes the recollection of how they used to ritualize their time together. In session, we explore ways to recapture this sense of togetherness.

I worked with a couple recently who reported noticing that since becoming “empty nesters,” their relationship hasn’t been the same. One spouse recalled that they used to have a lot of fun as a family and enjoyed activities such as boating, yet stopped doing so once their grown children moved away. This information explains when and why the change occurred. Identifying ways to help them create shared meaning through recapturing Rituals of Connection or developing new ones altogether can support them in building upon seemingly small ways for increasing intimacy. 

If you’re looking for ways to strengthen your marriage bond, or just to sit down with a therapist to intentionally check-in about the current status of your relationship, get connected with me today!

**Recommended Readings: The Intentional Family: How to Build Family Ties in Our Modern World & Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World that Pulls Us Apart**